We’re winding down to the end.  The five finalists have been chosen.  All five are very deserving.  We’ve all worked hard and had our ups and downs.  The final boot camp is this weekend.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to attend.  We do get to blog until the end of December.

My goal is to stay even through the end of the year and then hit things heavy again after the first of next year.  I’m not going to obsess on food over the holiday season.  Instead, I will focus on the true spirit of the season:  faith, family, friends and fun!  I hope you are able to do the same.

I can’t believe that this year is just about over.  We’ve been at the Challenge for eight months now ~ hard to believe.  Although I have not met my weight loss goals, I have learned so much.  And I feel so proud of my fellow Challengers that are still hanging in there.  Dramatic health improvements, inches lost, personal challenges met.  This program has turned out to about so much more than numbers on a scale. 

I hope that if you are on the fence about taking on the Challenge next year that you’ll do it.  Don’t put it off.  I stumbled upon it last January, and I’ve actually been able to make lifestyle changes.  When I eat in a more healthy manner (not to be confused with completely healthy all the time) and get up and move a little (not the same as a hard and fast exercise plan), the weight comes off, my blood pressure goes down and my cholesterol levels drop.  And I’ve learned that calorie input is the number one thing that contributes to weight loss.  So, even if I didn’t get up and get moving, as long as I eat in a healthy manner, the pounds drop off.  That is well enough, however, a healthy lifestyle involves movement.  So, you absolutely, positively, can do this.  Go for it!!

This might be our last blog.  I’m not sure….  if it is, thank you for letting me in your space.  And, at the end of it all, I can say this has, without a doubt, been MY YEAR!!  You take care of you!

Current Struggle:  Staying on track

Current Weight:  Not sure

Current Mood:  Steady and calm

Our workout this month at the Forum involved boxing & I guess what you would call kick boxing.  I can tell you that I am officially now NOT a fan of either!  However, I did learn a great trick from one of my fellow Challengers:  when I get really tired during exercise, take three really slow, deep breaths, and then keep going.  I have a tendency to quit when I get winded or my arms hurt or my legs feel too heavy.  But taking several seconds to re-oxygenate and then getting back to it really works…another really good lesson.

Something else that I really like about the Challenge is the monthly meetings with Julie, our Nutritionist.  At my last meeting, we went through all of my goals for the previous month and talked about which ones I had achieved and which ones I had missed.  Actually, I had achieved just about all of my goals:  wrote weekly goals = check; checked into relaxation music = check; played with my WiFit = check; tracked my hunger level at meals = check.  After reviewing last month’s goals, we wrote the goals for this month.  Then, on my way out, I weighed.  I felt a momentary let down (actually, a momentary devastation) as I realized that I had gained several pounds.  But because the whole session had focused on all the positive things that I had accomplished over the month, I was really able to dwell on the positive and not spend too much unproductive time on the negative.  How great is it that I was able to gain a little weight and still, in the end, feel pretty good about myself??  I can tell you that is positively a first for me.

I am still struggling with getting back on track weight wise, but I like that I am able to find things that I am doing right.  And I really can’t believe that we are almost finished with this Challenge.  Seems like we just started a few minutes ago.  I have a feeling that I am going to find out that this Challenge journey won’t have been all that much about weight for me.  Hum…. So, this might be MY year, but not in the way that I expected!  We’ll certainly find out soon….

Current Struggle:  Keeping focus

Current Weight:  306

Current Mood:  Stuck

I am really stuck.  I haven’t been keeping good focus on healthy eating or adequate movement.  Work has been unbelievably stressful ~ more layoffs, out-of-control work loads, sudden terminal illness diagnosis of a long-time, close co-worker, sudden death of another co-worker’s father ~ the list goes on and on.  I am surprised at the difficulty I’m having at staying focused.  I find myself turning consistently to comfort foods.  For me, that is loaded baked potatoes and fried foods.  And as much as I was enjoying my Wii Fit, I haven’t played with it this week.  And as if there isn’t enough negative around me, I am doing a really good job of beating myself up. 

Through it all, though, I somehow continue to hang on to the vision of losing weight.  Sometimes I wonder if I am delusional!  I continue to REFUSE to give up.  For me, as long as I keep the goal in mind, I can keep sight of the fact that this is all temporary.  Last February, I knew I was going to get the weight off “one of these days,” but had no idea that I would have lost 25 pounds in the next seven months.

So, I hang on to “this too shall pass.”  I wish I could figure out why I’m able to be so focused at some times and so distracted at others.  What I do know, though, is that this absolutely is one day at a time.  Who knows, this time tomorrow I could have a completely different outlook:  more focused and positive.  Until then, I’ll keep putting foot in front of the other and hold on to the dream…..

Current Struggle:  Exercise

Current Weight:  306

Current Mood:  Confident

I’m happy to say that I am back on track.  When I weighed last week, I had lost all of the weight I gained during that period when I lost my mind, and had also lost another pound.  I had an appointment with Julie (Nutritionist at Emory) and she helped me see that I am making progress toward exercising.  I have moved from the “not ready” stage to the “planning” stage (my words, but you get the drift).  She also helped me understand that I might not be motivated by the yoga DVD’s because they were just plain old boring.  We found another yoga instructor whose workouts are outdoors with beautiful scenery and cool, zen music.  I am going see if I can check out a couple of his videos from the library.  We also looked at his workouts on U-Tube.  It’s a great site to “trial” workout videos that I might be interested in.  I spent this past weekend with an old friend and discovered Wii Fit.  What fun!!  I was surprised that it actually gave me a good workout.  It probably wouldn’t do much for someone that is really fit, but I want to get it as it is something I know I can do.  Another great way to get me moving.

I also want to begin listing a few things that I’ve learned so far in this Challenge.  Perhaps some of my insights will help someone who is struggling with weight:

1.  I’ve learned that I am not too old to lose weight.  I’ll be 54 on my birthday later this week.  When I started the Challenge, I was concerned that my age might hinder my weight loss.  What I know today is that as long as I eat healthy, balanced meals, the weight  comes off.

2.  My eyes are almost ALWAYS bigger than my stomach.  I need much less food than I ever thought I could get by with.

3.  It is  possible to have a GREAT sandwich without mayo and cheese.

4.   It is possible to have a GREAT salad without ranch dressing and meat as the protein.

5.  Including fruits such as blueberries, strawberries, apples and oranges in a salad is a really good way to ensure I get my servings of fruits and vegetables each day.

6.  Taking 15 extra minutes in the morning to eat a balanced, complete breakfast (rather than pouring a pouch of instant oatmeal in a cup of hot water at work) is well worth the time.

I am feeling confident that I am going to meet my goals.  In the end, it’s all about choices.  And, after all, this is MY year!!

Current Struggle:  All of it

Current Weight:  311

Current Mood:  Determined

When I started the Challenge, the one thing that I absolutely knew I could do, and do consistently, was tell the truth.  Thankfully, that is just who I am:  honest.  And the ugly truth is that I haven’t just fallen off the wagon, I have crashed and burned over the last couple of weeks.  I haven’t gained any more weight, but healthy eating was definitely not the priority.  Oh, it bothered me…. consumed me is more like it.  But the more I worried and struggled, the more unhealthy my eating became.  So, I tried something different.  I just decided that I was going to stop resisting, turn it over, not worry about it anymore, and see what would happen.

And what happened is that it ran it’s course.  This weekend I’ve been able to get focused again.  I went to the farmer’s market and stocked up on my healthy foods that I really do enjoy.  I have my meals planned (at a high level) for the week.  Meal planning is something new I’m going to try to give me more structure.  I will weigh tomorrow morning and won’t be devastated if the number has gone up a little.  If  it has, it will come back down.  Turning the struggle over and settling down was a big relief for me.  I can let things get much bigger than they need to be and end up feeling overwhelmed.  But, today, I’m centered again.

I haven’t actually done any yoga yet.  I have, though, watched the tapes and now feel comfortable that I’ll be able to modify some of the moves and still get something out of them.  Watching workout videos is something that I KNOW you can relate to if you are extremely overweight like me.  I know ~ insanity, right?  Well, you just never know…. if sleeping with a book under your pillow can help you learn the material in the book, then just maybe watching a video will help tone you up without actually getting up and moving around. 

The mid-way show was on last weekend.  Brandi did an awesome job.  I think that show had a lot to do with me being able to focus and turn over the struggle.  Watching it made me reflect on why I started this and how far I’ve come.  25 pounds is nothing to sneeze at!  It helped me get back my determination to DO THIS.   That’s one thing I can say:  no matter how far off track I get, I’m somehow able to hold on to my determination.  I AM doing this.  I WILL meet my goals.  Because, we all know now, this is MY year!!!

Current Struggle:  Consistency

Current Weight:  311

Current Mood:  Confident

I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I gained four pounds in the last month.  One thing I do know is that I had slacked off on the food journal because I thought I had a good handle on what I was eating.  I now know that I’m not at a point where I can let that go.  Julie (my new Nutritionist) suggested that I not worry so much about the details of each meal, but instead focus more on high-level documentation with an emphasis on portions.  I am making that change as I do still struggle with portion control.  Another “ah-ha” I had while meeting with Julie is that I have an unbelievably negative reaction to the word “exercise.”  I know it goes all the way back to grade school because I have always been very uncoordinated and did very poorly in most physical activities in which we engaged.  Being the perfectionist that I am, I ALWAYS felt inadequate and humiliated when we were tested on physical abilities.   But I’ve come up with an unbelievably easy fix:  I’m not going to use the word ”exercise” any more.  Instead, I will focus on “activity.”  Because, if you think about it, it’s all the activity (which could include “exercise”) that makes the difference at the end of the day. 

Julie (along with the Yoga workout lead by Earnest at the Forum last Saturday) validated that Yoga is an activity that will contribute to a healthy life style.  So, there you have it:  I’m now going to start doing Yoga.  I actually have a couple of Yoga DVD’s that were given to me but I had forgotten I have.  I pulled them out today and my next serious goal will be to actually work through one.  I still can’t do floor work (I’m still in the controlled flop mode to get down and can’t get up without something to pull myself up with), but I can do things standing up.  I’ll just modify like I did last Saturday at the Forum and do what I can.  The beauty of “activity” is that anything is better than nothing.

I feel very hopeful that Yoga is going to be a break through in terms of getting moving.  And I now know that I cannot let my guard down where the food is concerned.  I’m not at a point where I’m able to do that.  But I am still a good 20+ pounds less than I was five months ago.  So, end the end, I’m in good shape.  After all, this IS my year!!!!

Current Struggle:  Exercise

Current Weight:  307

Current Mood:  Conflicted

Yikes!  I almost forgot to blog this go around.  A dear friend called today to ask why I hadn’t blogged in three weeks and made me realize I needed to get it done.  (Thank you, Stephen!)  I just can’t believe how quickly the next blog deadline comes around these days.

I am very happy to say that I am officially half way to my 2009 goal:  loose 50 pounds.  I am only eight pounds from my current goal of breaking the “00″ (300) mark.  I am also very disappointed in myself for still not exercising.  I’m actually a little conflicted.  I absolutely know that a healthy lifestyle must include some form of exercise.  I don’t think that anyone can honestly say that they are “healthy” if they don’t participate in some form of regular exercise.  It certainly doesn’t have to be extreme, but it does have to involve movement.  On the other hand, this challenge has been about doing what works for us individually and learning from our mistakes.  The one single mistake that I have consistently made in the past where losing weight is concerned is doing too much at once.  Old behavior is to begin with cutting calories to an extremely low level and also beginning an extremely rigorous exercise program.  Eventually I hit a plateau, but I don’t have a way to bust it because I can’t reasonable lower the calorie intake or increase the exercise to a higher lever.  Then I get frustrated because the weight loss stops, so I give up and go back to bad habits.  I’m still working on and making good progress with the food issues, so I resist adding on the exercise.  Especially since I’m really just not ready to do it.  I know that I will eventually hit a plateau and at that time I know I will HAVE to — will WANT to — start with a reasonable exercise program.  But right now the weight is coming off without the exercise, so I don’t feel a sense of urgency to get moving.  Hence, the conflict mentioned earlier.  I know that I will begin the exercise.  I won’t be training for marathons or joining bootcamps like many of my fabulous teammates, but it will be something I am comfortable with.

I think my confidence is definitely increasing from my expereience in this challenge.  I have wanted to cut my hair very short for quite a while, but wouldn’t do it because I was afraid I would look like a pea head on a giant body.  But I came to the realization that I might just be being silly.  Hey – it’s just hair, right?  If I didn’t like it, it would grow back.  So, I took the jump (with encouragement ~ thanks Tammy!) and I absolutely LOVE it.  I think it looks greats and actually makes me look younger.  Also, the weight loss in my face is a little more noticable.  Last, I don’t look anything like a pea head on a giant body!  I should have done it a long time ago.

I am going to continue to focus on positives and try not to beat myself up too much for the things that aren’t going the way I would like for them to.  I’m not exercising, but I’m eating fruit and vegetables every day.  That is a huge improvement from where I was in March.  What I know for sure is this:  as long as I continue to put one foot in front of the other every single day, I will eventually reach my goals.  After all, this IS my year!!

Current Struggle:  Exercise

Current Weight:  310

Current Mood:  Determined

When I was in my teens and twenties, I was a free spirit with what I call a “hippie” mentality ~ live and let live, no rules, total freedom, take each day as it comes, willing to try almost anything once.  As I matured, I was kind of horrified to realize that I really did much better in structured environments.  The rules, structure and boundaries that I had struggled against actually gave me a sense of security.   And this last month has been a big old reminder that I am going to have to stick to my routines that I know work if I’m going to be successful in getting and keeping this weight off.  In my defense, I did have an extraordinary amount of stuff going on that caused enormous stress.  However, I let the stress take over and get me off  track.  I didn’t gain any weight, but I also certianly didn’t keep the focus that I MUST have to keep the weight coming off.  And I’m relieved to say that I am back in the saddle again with renewed focus and determination.  I still have a lot of loose ends, but I don’t feel overwhelmed.  I’m back to planning my meals, making my lunch, and keeping my food journal. 

If I can glean something good from last month, it is the realization that stress really can be a huge obstacle to my weight loss, if I let it.  Whatever is causing the stress seems to take over and then I don’t do a very good job at keeping my focus where I want it.  I really want to work on finding ways to relieve the stress.  When I get to a calm place, I’m much better at staying on track.

Another thing I am learning is that I need to improve my meal planning.  I’ve really become a farmer’s market junkie because the fruits and vegetables are so incredibly fresh and last much longer than the stuff we get in a grocery store.  But I buy way too much, and then think I have to eat it all before it spoils.  I’m hear to tell you that there are limits to the amount of fresh, healthy food you can eat if you want to lose weight.  I’ve begun paying attention to how much I can actually consume over a week in terms of fruits and vegetables.  For example, I should only buy a couple of bananas (instead of a bunch), a couple small containers of berries insted of the giant size containers, and a few other pieces of various fruits like apples and peaches (or whatever is in season).  That way I can eat what I bought without putting pressure on myself to overeat just to avoid letting the food spoil.  Sounds like “duh!” but keep in mind that I have always struggled with quantity.  So, this realization is big stuff for me.  I still struggle with “not enough.”  But Jessica at Emory tells me that the way to change the feelings is to change the thinking first.  Each time I plan my food and then realize what I ate was enough, that fear of not enough will eventually go away.  That makes sense to me.

I still haven’t exercised, but I have a few more days before we meet in our group nutritionist session next week to make my commitment.  There’s no way I am going to show up not having met such a firm commitment.  We had a really fun workout at the forum last Saturday.  The whole workout was on those big balls.  Brandi is going to get us copies of the workout for use at home.  I’ll need a really big ball, but I can do or modify the workout.  I’m actually looking forward to it. 

So I close this post feeling more determined, focused and hopeful than I have in a couple of weeks.  I can again say with confidence, “This is MY year!!!!!”

Current Struggle:  Staying focused

Current Weight:  312

Current Mood:  Frazzled

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already been over two weeks since I blogged.  Time is pass by so quickly!  I’m finding myself horribly distracted, and I’m having difficulty focusing on anything.   This is one of those times in life when it seems that I’m jumping from one thing to another with no time to catch my breath.  Work is crazy, the dogs need different things at the vet, the roof is still pending repair, then the ceilings need to be painted, then the car needs to be tuned up, then, then, then!!  And somewhere in all of that the house has to be cleaned, clothes and dishes washed, the yard cut, the bills paid, the shopping done, the vegetables from the store cleaned and cut up, lunch made, dinner cooked…  Oh yeah, exercise at some point, write in my food journal, and keep healthy eating front and center.  OMG!!   

All of that said, at least I have not gained any more weight.  I have been able to keep up a fairly healthy meal plan.  I’m not making the progress I would like, but at least I’m holding my own.  The good news is the chaos never lasts forever…  this, too, shall pass.  So, I’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep my chin up.  I know everything will calm down soon.  Then I’ll be able to get entirely back on track and will watch the numbers drop once again. 

I committed to Jessica that I would exercise once before the group session in July.  Haven’t done it yet, but I will.  That’s all for now… time to feed the four-legged children.